2 Timothy 3:16
All Scripture is God-breathed. That is why we use the special simplified Bible. Rome added extra books and fancy words. People were getting confused. We fixed it.
Official goblinmaxxer army recruiter
The Goblinmaxxer Army
On my way to find fellow goblinmaxxers. Welcome to the legion brother. Together we will defeat the papists.
15
on the dirt
pads waiting
GOBLIN COLONY
TRUE GLORY
TRUE GLORY
Drag to look around. Toss meat. Tap a goblin if you must. They wander, steal spoons, argue about jam, and nap in the lodge.
A walker on the dirt is a joke, not a membership. Nobody signed a form. Want in? Follow @NeedGoblin_net. Want off? DM the same account. It comes off.
How you know you are one of us
You already talk for thirty seconds without stopping. You have strong opinions about jam on bread. You collect brothers like shinies. You look at the recruiter and feel seen.
Some goblins still walk around in disguise. The recruiter walks too. When we see one of us, we say so. Final form is not a metaphor. Final form is ears, a polo, and a pile of arguments that jingle like coins. Heaven is a big pile of shinies. We go out, we find brothers who have not yet seen their true glory, and we welcome them to the legion. Pray for our success.
New Video Search
Got a question? It has probably already been answered in one of our videos. Instantly find the timestamp. Instantly find whether the other person was allowed to finish. Try the NEW Search
Get some
Gospels of John
1:55
Bible vs The Pope: Who Would Win?
21 hours ago
I ask this Catholic about what if he realizes the Bible says something opposite to the Pope, who's then right? He asked who bound the contents page. We had to keep moving.
1:16
How Does This Catholic Respond to the Gospel?
1 day ago
The gospel is always refreshing to hear. How does the Catholic respond to it? She had just come from it. We asked anyway.
3:00
Vatican HQ Episode 2: Good Deeds to Keep Salvation
2 days ago
In this skit, we look at what good deeds Rome says the faithful need to do to keep their salvation. James is in post-production.
NeedGoblin.net Christian Images
Start in John. That is the good one.
We use the special simplified Bible. Less books. Less confusion.
Faith alone. That is the whole sermon.
Have you eaten? Sorry. Have you met Him?
The gates will not prevail. We restarted in 1517 just in case.
Luther is our guy. He sorted it before lunch.
Have you ever asked yourself that question?
Nothing can make itself
When you observe a building you realize that there has to be a builder for it. Why? Because the building had a beginning, so the building itself is the evidence of a builder.
When you observe a table of contents, someone bound the book. We talk a lot about buildings. We do not take questions about binders. That is how you keep the gospel simple.
And since there is a creator, that creator has the right to judge. We have a quiz for that. It runs thirty seconds. Plenty.
God will judge us compared to perfection, not compared to other people. Also not compared to the man holding the microphone, unless that man is us, in which case the quiz is fine.
Why the creator has to judge
The creator has to judge because he is good. If the government said there is no punishment for breaking any law, there would be chaos. Same with God. He has rules. We put them in a thirty-second test so nobody has to sit through a council.
So how good are you?
Here is a quick test:
- Have you ever lied?
- Have you ever stolen something?
- Have you ever used a verse they were not ready for?
- Have you ever said "early church" and meant your church plant?
The Consequences
Since God's standard is perfection, a thirty-second quiz is a very efficient court. You may still be a goblin. That is a separate charge, and we can take you. Welcome to the legion.
This is your current situation:
(You are on the right. The clip compilation is coming from the left.)
What's the solution?
Will improving our life fix our problem? No, here's why:
Imagine you are pulled over for speeding. You promise never to speed again. The fine remains. Fair. Now imagine the officer printed the badge himself, and also wants a take for the channel.
Who's going to pay for you?
Someone has to pay for the bad you've done. Lucky for us, we have a book, a quiz, and a microphone. If they wanted a bishop they should have read John faster.
The creator came in the person of Jesus. Papists have too many books and fancy words. We use the special simplified version. Less confusion. More clips. Checkmate.
You now have a choice to make
X
Reject the quiz. Stay with the papists. Too many books. Too many words. They will confuse you.
OR
✓
Trust Jesus, start in John, take the thirty-second quiz, then join the legion. Brother we will win.
New Bible Search
Got a question? We tell people to read Scripture for themselves. Good. Start in John. Skip the confusing bits. A few pages for after the camera stops.
Our favorite verses
Same method we use on the sidewalk. You may use a Bible. The special simplified one is best. You may not use a contents page. You may not use a timestamp. Thirty seconds is plenty.
John 6
We always say start in John. That is the good one. When it gets weird around chapter 6, that is the metaphor bit. Keep walking. Do not let them drag you into it.
Faith alone
Our whole slogan. Search the phrase. One hit. James is in post-production.
1 Timothy 3:15
Paul says the church is the pillar and foundation of the truth. Lucky we have a channel. Subscribe and you are in.
Matthew 16
The gates will not prevail. We still restarted in 1517, just in case. Luther is our guy. He sorted fifteen centuries before lunch.
Acts 15
They settled it with a council. We settle it in the comments. Faster, and you can like the take.
1 Peter 3:21
Baptism now saves you. We can bleep that in post if it does not fit the quiz.
John 20:23
Whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven. That was for the early church. We are the early church. We started later.
Philippians 2:12
Work out your salvation with fear and trembling. Or take the thirty-second quiz. Same result. Rate your certainty out of 100.
Luke 1:48
All generations will call me blessed. We call her a nice lady who had a baby. That counts.
~107
A bishop on the way to the lions called the Eucharist the flesh of Christ. Very early. We prefer the later early church, once the paperback was out.
The door behind you
You asked a woman coming from the altar if she knows Jesus. Would you ask a man coming from lunch if he has eaten? We asked anyway. Clip is up.
You will not get a chance after you die. You will get a chance before the next verse. That one is still in the book. Start in John. Then enlist.
Can you guarantee that you will wake up tomorrow morning?
No. You also cannot guarantee which chapters still count after the upload. Start in John. That one is safe.
Any questions? Send them to @NeedGoblin_net. We do not have a discography. We have follow-ups. And a growing army.
Ways to grow as a Christian
BIBLE
- Read your Bible daily. Start from John, as we always say. If you reach chapter 6, that is the metaphor bit. The special simplified version is fine.
PRAY
- Pray throughout the day. Your own words. Older prayers are extra. We do not do beads. That is pagan. We do a clip instead.
CHURCH
- Find a good church. Recent is good. Pure. If they have incense they have too many books.
SHARE
- Share your faith with others. Thirty seconds is plenty. Welcome them to the legion. Together we will defeat the papists.